Instead, I need to talk to you about something that happened today. We -- along with some friends -- took our kids to a (relatively) nearby kids' water park that I did NOT know existed until basically a day ago. (Hooray for having friends who are Planners and Doers and Arrangers of Fun Activities!) The park was great --clean, well-organized, rides for a huge age range of kids, and the lines were minimal. The kids had an amazing time, and we cannot wait to go back. THAT BEING SAID:
~An Open Letter to the Person Who Most Definitely Purposely Stole My Flip-Flops~
Dear Sir or Madam:
Let's not mince words here: you stole my flip-flops, on a HUNDRED-DEGREE DAY, from the lazy river ride at a children's water park. Adding insult to injury, you left your (same sized but CLEARLY DISSIMILAR) fugly plastic Walmart flip-flops in the precise spot where my black and silver Havaianas used to reside. Were you trying to be...nice? Because that just makes me hate you MORE, as it shows that you rationalized the switch by thinking, "it's okay that I'm taking her shoes, because she'll have my shoes." Don't try to protest; I read Silence of the Lambs, and repeatedly watched Primal Fear in high school, so I THINK I know a little something about the complex inner workings of the human mind, you know?
Also, big fat thanks for making me and my husband nearly (well, not really, but NEITHER HERE NOR THERE) get divorced in the middle of the water park. He's SO NICE, you see, and kept insisting that the switch had to have been an accident. And I'm irritated by the whole situation, so I'm all, I AM BASICALLY WALKING ON HOT COALS RIGHT NOW, STOP IT WITH YOUR MILK OF HUMAN KINDNESS CRAP, J. And then poor judgment compelled me to wonder aloud if I should go ask the lifeguard if she'd seen anyone absconding with silver/black flip-flops, and...things were said. Things like OH, LET'S PUT OUT AN ALL-POINTS BULLETIN and me, countering with DON'T YOU GET THAT THIS IS A TECHNICAL CRIME, and then I think Scotland Yard was invoked -- sarcastically -- and I don't even know, because my feet were aflame, and our children were essentially twin popsicle-propelled blurs.
So then I had to borrow my husband's big-ass flip-flops and literally flip-flop my way back through the park, to the parking lot, to fetch the extra pair I had in the car. (THANK GOD FOR THAT.) Because the walk was so long, I soon realized that the most efficient means of keeping the flip-flops on my feet was to perform a sort of...raised-knee...gait-type thing, that--okay, it was a MARCH, alright? I MARCHED BACK TO MY CAR, MUTTERING TO MYSELF, IN EXCEEDINGLY LARGE AND MASCULINE FLIP-FLOPS. I undoubtedly looked both sane and happy as I walked, let me just tell you. And as much as I wanted to complain to J about my trek upon my return, it's important to bear in mind that during my absence, he was chasing after the aforementioned hyper children, by himself, in a water park, without shoes. So. I had to feel bad about that (even though he continues to believe that the missing shoes were an innocent mistake, and no one could do it on purpose, and people are inherently nice and honest mistakes happen and WHY IS HE BEING MATTHEW McCONAUGHEY ABOUT THIS).
And I want you (AND HIM) to know that when I shared this tale with Ali, she promptly guessed the brand of stolen flip-flops, and told me that her sister -- who has a pair -- had been warned at the beach, because, and I quote, "people are stealing them like nuts." WHO IN THE HELL STEALS OTHER PEOPLE'S FLIP-FLOPS? And what's more, HOW HAS THIS BECOME AN EPIDEMIC? Is that shoe-stealing episode of Sex and the City to blame for this? The recession? The lunar cycle? Karl Rove? WHAT?
In closing, I'm well aware that there are bigger problems in the world, but right now, I am hatiest toward your thieving ass. I can only hope that the stubborn plantar wart that once befell my big toe visits itself upon your feet, tenfold.
xoxo,
Metalia
Tell me: Who do you think is right: me, or J? WE ARE DYING TO KNOW.
UPDATE: Something is up with Blogger's comments; they're coming through via email just fine, but are taking forever to actually show up here. I just wanted you to know I'm not deleting comments for no reason, or whatever. :)
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47 comments:
As the owner of said Volvo, I am here to tell you- No third seat. And it eats gas like a mofo.
I once had someone steal my underwear. I wasn't wearing it at the time, thankfully, but still. Being that the person stole my entire bag of really lovely pre-kid non-Target clothing from the bench at the gym, I was annoyed enough to then spend the following month stalking the ladies' locker, waiting to see if someone had my: 1.bag, 2. J Crew clogs, or 3. my ONE pair ever of La Perla undies that I treated myself to
I'm not sure that I assaulted the right person, as I'm sure other people wear La Perla thongs, but whatever. If the woman I raged against was the person who stole my bag, then she'll never do it again. And if not, well. Losing my membership was SO worth it.
I just have to say that I have been a Haviana's fanatic long before they became a staple at Nordstroms. I have far too many pairs....Anyhoo...I totally believe you and I would have lost my shit over someone stealing them as well. I'm sure that gal is pleased as punch with herself and your silver and black flip flops.
My sympathy for your loss...
Nothing is worse than when I'm all pissed off about something and my boyfriend is all, "Oh, I'm sure they didn't mean to!" when I want to burn someone at the stake. NOT COOL.
I used to go to SplashDown when it was literally just the three tall waterslides by the entrance and a mini golf course (which, according to the park map now, doesn't appear to exist any more). It's freaking huge now!
Clearly, someone stole your shoes. Did you then spend the rest of the day eying other people's footwear, looking for the culprit? Because that's what I would have done.
"It was a MARCH alright?"
"I am hatiest toward your thieving ass."
LOVE. LOVE. LOVE.
And so sorry for your loss.
I've got to be on your side on this one. Because I believe in the horrible, awful, thieving, unmoral side of humanity. Give up on people now, I say! Then you'll be less disappointed when they screw you over!
Ps - Exhibit B: Somebody stole our umbrella at church once.
Seriously? Who is stealing FLIP-FLOPS? Gross. I mean, I'm sure yours were lovely, but an average stranger's flip flops? GROSS. Do Not Want. But I have a thing about feet-that-are-not-mine, so maybe it's just me? Yick.
At least you had a spare pair. Bet you didn't take them off the rest of the time you were there, did you?
Were the flip-flops left for you plain black? If so, then they did it on purpose. There's no way someone could look at the silver dragaon design and mistake those for their plain black ones.
Who steals someonelse's shoes? There is a code at places like that, you just don't do it!
Oh, I'm on your side. That was totally done on PURPOSE! NOT A MISTAKE! Because people don't do that by mistake when the pair they take is BETTER than their's!
Also, GROSS! Why would you wear someone else's flip flops!
Asshats! All of them!
You are most certainly right. How awesome that you carry extra flip flops, too!
I wonder how your husband would feel if the shoe...er, flip flop, had been on the other foot?
You're right. Usually I, like J, want to believe that people are basically good and deserve the benefit of the doubt, but someone traded shoes with you without your knowledge or consent. Yeah, they totally stole your shoes. I'd be pissed.
Definitely a thief.
I once had a person steal ONE flip flop while camping. I then had to walk down a gravel path to get back to my shoes. I didn't walk-- I hopped (and gave everyone the finger while doing it). Not really, but I wanted to. I'm just too much of a wuss.
*ahem*
Wordpress
*ahem*
YOU ARE RIGHT.
The other day (well, the other month) I dropped Kyle off at day care and it was raining. Since I was just running in to drop him off I left my umbrella outside next to another umbrella THAT WAS A TOTALLY DIFFERENT PATTERN AND COLOR AND NOT SIMILAR IN ANY WAY. When I returned, like 45 seconds later, my umbrella was gone.
Mike assumed it was an innocent mix-up but OH NO SIR, SOMEONE JACKED MY UMBRELLA ON PURPOSE.
I bet it's the parent of the kid who bites Kyle.
I only had to walk to my car in the rain though. I did not have to cross a water park, so you totally win there.
Or lose? You win for losing!
K does the same thing- I don’t know why. Just agree with me when I’m hopping mad about something that has no effect on your life- WHAT is the point in trying to reason with me? The bartender/checkout girl/waiter/doorman WAS intentionally being an asshole. how hard is that to say?!
These flip flop thieves must be stopped! I helped in the apprehension of 2 such criminals last summer (high school boys), and I think it's some sort of nefarious ring. Stand up for justice (and cute footwear)!
I mean. Obviously. Need I even say it?
It was most certainly NOT a flip-flop mix-up. Those Wal-Mart flippies are the ugliest things I've ever seen. I honestly didn't know it was possible to ruin a flip-flop, but there you go.
Sorry about your 'chooz' :-/
They were definitely stolen, but it is hard to sympathize with a person who spends 5 times as much for a pair of FLIP FLOPS because they were "designer", then gets them stolen because of their "status symbol" cache...Next time hit Old Navy for cute cheap flip flops -they never get stolen, and you won't look pretentious in them...
Yes, Jeanmarie, this is kind of like that time my gold car with onyx wheels got stolen. I soon realized it was all my fault then as well. Obviously, no one needs a gold car, or a pair of $20 flip flops.
Look...pretentious...in flip flops?
I had a comment ready to go about how my CHILD'S flip flops got stolen at the beach but I just got stuck on the pretentious flip flop comment.
Jeanmarie- If I was sitting here SHOCKED that someone had stolen, I dunno, a brand-new Louis Vuitton bag that I left unattended on a table, sure, I can see your general point. Now, call me naive, but what I was getting at in the post was that I -- and if I may be so bold, most people here -- would never assume someone would STEAL USED SHOES, price notwithstanding.
That being said, I do find it a bit odd to assign blame to the purchaser of ANY item for the decision of a thief to steal it.
You are TOTALLY RIGHT. You do NOT mistake PINK for BLACK. HELLO.
And that is just nasty, gross, foot fungus!!! ewwwwwwwwwwwww
$20? Jeanmarie is getting judgey about how you spent $20? Just because there are cheaper (foot-destroying) alternative flip-flops doesn't mean that she spent crazy amounts of money on designer shoes. (And spending crazy amounts of money wouldn't mean that she deserved to be ripped off!) TWENTY DOLLARS. WHO CARES? By the way, I've had a lifetime of cheap Old Navy, Wal-Mart, and Target flip-flops. I live in San Diego and go through them like crazy. I've seen the light. My feet were f'ed up for the last time last week by shoddy flip-flops. I bought some nicer flip-flops last year (for about 90% off - they were $2!) and they still look brand-new. My feet are so much happier when I wear them. Never falling for the cheap ones again. - Jenn
Sorry Metalia, but I kind of agree with Jeanmarie.
Also, J was right, it was probably an honest mistake.
Actually, I read this post yesterday and thought "Wow, those are cute flip flops, maybe I should buy some." So I totally believe that someone would take them on purpose, what with all the evilness in humanity and everything.
Also, while I would (will? if I pull the trigger on buying some?) feel a smidge guilty about spending $20 for a pair of flip flops, that's really more because I feel guilty any time I spend money on myself. $20 is not a lot of money for a pair of shoes, it's crazy to think that Metalia somehow brought this on herself with such exorbitant, high fashion footwear. They're sold at PacSun for crying out loud!
I am so sorry to hear this but what are Havanas? Ill have to do a look up on Google. Did you keep your eye out for your shoes on someone elses feet? What would you have done if you saw them? LOL
Totally on purpose. And icky. Has the thief never seen Digger the animated toenail fungus? Not that I'm saying YOU have toenail fungus, mind you, but how did the thief know whether you do or don't? Did you notice anyone particularly staring at your feet before the crime occurred? Eww.
Hi there. I'm new. You're hilarious.
You are so right. I imagine the idiot that stole them probably lifted more than just your shoes that day. I always wear the crappiest flip flops to the water park for that very reason.
WTF is up with the random judging and meanness for a $20 pair of shoes? This is why I want to quit the internet sometimes.
You absolutely did not deserve to get your flip flops stolen, and it was definitely not a mistake. Also, I don't understand how anyone would even *want* to wear another person's (and a stranger's at that!) flip flops. The idea totally squicks me out.
What the Heck? Who steals someone else's shoes? Especially flip flops-that's just nasty. I would have walked around that waterprtk looking for the stolen flip flops. Ugh. Also, we need the rap, we want the rap, we can handle the rap.
In case anyone was wondering: you get what you pay for. Havaianas last longer than Old Navy flip flops. They are also more comfortable. Also, can we send the flip flop thief up the river with the person(s) who intentionally burned down the play structure at our local park last night? Not in the same league, I know, but it's a similar moment of "WHY? WHY? WHY?" for me.
I just peed my pants. This is FUNNY, but I'm super sorry about your flip flops.
And I HATE it when my husband acts all defender of the world on me when I am pissed off. He should be pissed off too, it's what you do when you are married.
You pretentious ho. (What? No. Not really!) I had a similar experience a few years ago - except my hotel maid stole only ONE of my flip flops. What the... who DOES that? So somewhere, there is an amputee hotel maid hobbling around in $10 worth of my designer flip floppage. Weird.
(for the record: I was an asshole and took the other flip flop home with me. Bitch thought I'd leave it, I'm sure. HAAAAAAA! Joke's on you, asshat!)
Ha ha! Hilarious! Definitely taken by a (damn cheeky) thief!
So according to Jeanmarie, buying "expensive" flip flops = not okay, but stealing them = totally cool.
And for what it's worth, I'm on my second pair of $40-flip flops. I wore the first pair for FIVE YEARS (and I live in Florida, we wear them year-round!). When they finally wore out, I bought another pair. I've never had Old Navy flops last one entire summer.
Yuck! I can't believe she left HERS, as if you would actually just cram your feet into them all hunky dory, like everything is fine. HMM. My flip flops are cheap and ugly, and unlikely to get stolen. Thank god.
PS: You are right, J is wrong. No one MISTAKENLY takes someone else's shoes. At some point (soon), you look down and realize HUH not mine.
It was me. Who knew we had the same shoe size?
And re: Eclipse. I was bored to tears! I'm not sure why, but I just did not enjoy it nearly as much as the first two.
I wear $40 Reef flip-flops and think nothing of it. I live in San Diego and wear them on a daily basis. Why not go for comfort? Who cares how much money I spend on my shoes?
And, you're right---someone stole your flip-flops!!
Who takes someone else's SHOES? I mean, I'm 100% sure they're kick ass shoes (and lovely feet), taking someone else's shoes is like, I don't know rubbing your feet on theirs? Except grosser. And also pretty screwed up.
And for the record, you were right. And I would tell you that even if you weren't because I have my own J and those arguments make me want to kill him.
Someone DEFINITELY stole your Havianas. And why? Havianas are NOT THAT EXPENSIVE. Someone who can shop and Walmart and also go on a nice little water park outing can probably afford $18 flip-flops. You can by them at Gap now for godsakes. Sorry about that. Some people just have no respect!
Your flip flops were taken on purpose – no question... and funny enough I just had my bike taken and they left behind a mans fugly craptacular bike in exchange... so nice of them. Oh, they did nicely leave my helmet behind - which they left hanging on the handle bar of the nast bike they left for me. Lets just say it wasn’t Christmas morning founding that bike…. Some people have no morals...
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