Occasionally, there are moments in life where you're faced with something so insanely far outside your comfort zone, but also so amazing that you kinda just have to go along with it, and say, "Sure! What's the worst that could happen?"
Well, in this case, the worst that can happen is that I will simultaneously shame and soil myself in public, but I'm trying really hard not think about that.
I was selected as one of BlogHer's Voices of the Year -- in the Humor category -- which means that I (along with my two fellow finalists, these intimidatingly hilarious ladies) will be reading my nominated post (thanks, Ali!) at the conference's Community Keynote next week. I am thrilled, but also VERY NERVOUS. For reasons that should be obvious (I only got a B+ in Public Speaking in college! B+!), but also because I'm afraid that my being labeled as a humor finalist may create certain expectations.
For instance, I fear that people might come over to me and be all, "Humor finalist, eh? MAKE ME LAUGH! NOW!" because that is totally an actual thing that people do in real life. For some reason, I imagine that everyone who will do this will look like Harold Zidler from Moulin Rouge. Yes, even the ladies. I don't know. And somehow they'll have whips, or whatever, and then I will feel compelled to do SOMEthing, but then uncontrollably projectile vomit on them, because I get nervous under pressure, particularly when I'm already preoccupied with thoughts of impending public speaking.
At this point, I'm considering investing in a squirting lapel flower or spinning bowtie, so I can at least have a humor gimmick, you know? "Well, she did nervously stare at me for 12 seconds, and then throw up on my carefully-selected Anthropologie skirt, but she DID have that spinning bowtie. Well played, humor finalist Metalia. Well played," they'll all say.
Make no mistake, I'm petrified, excited, and honored, and am practicing my post daily, annoying every living thing around me (and possibly my mirrors) with my repeat performances. If you're coming to BlogHer, I hope you'll come to the Keynote. The speaker lineup is amazing, and I promise to do my very best not to hurl onstage. If I do, though, I will totally cover the cost of dry cleaning for the front row. Swearsies.