Occasionally, there are moments in life where you're faced with something so insanely far outside your comfort zone, but also so amazing that you kinda just have to go along with it, and say, "Sure! What's the worst that could happen?"
Well, in this case, the worst that can happen is that I will simultaneously shame and soil myself in public, but I'm trying really hard not think about that.
I was selected as one of BlogHer's Voices of the Year -- in the Humor category -- which means that I (along with my two fellow finalists, these intimidatingly hilarious ladies) will be reading my nominated post (thanks, Ali!) at the conference's Community Keynote next week. I am thrilled, but also VERY NERVOUS. For reasons that should be obvious (I only got a B+ in Public Speaking in college! B+!), but also because I'm afraid that my being labeled as a humor finalist may create certain expectations.
For instance, I fear that people might come over to me and be all, "Humor finalist, eh? MAKE ME LAUGH! NOW!" because that is totally an actual thing that people do in real life. For some reason, I imagine that everyone who will do this will look like Harold Zidler from Moulin Rouge. Yes, even the ladies. I don't know. And somehow they'll have whips, or whatever, and then I will feel compelled to do SOMEthing, but then uncontrollably projectile vomit on them, because I get nervous under pressure, particularly when I'm already preoccupied with thoughts of impending public speaking.
At this point, I'm considering investing in a squirting lapel flower or spinning bowtie, so I can at least have a humor gimmick, you know? "Well, she did nervously stare at me for 12 seconds, and then throw up on my carefully-selected Anthropologie skirt, but she DID have that spinning bowtie. Well played, humor finalist Metalia. Well played," they'll all say.
Make no mistake, I'm petrified, excited, and honored, and am practicing my post daily, annoying every living thing around me (and possibly my mirrors) with my repeat performances. If you're coming to BlogHer, I hope you'll come to the Keynote. The speaker lineup is amazing, and I promise to do my very best not to hurl onstage. If I do, though, I will totally cover the cost of dry cleaning for the front row. Swearsies.
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17 comments:
I'm so excited to hear you read! I feel sure it shall be the highlight of the conference for me. DON'T DISAPPOINT ME, HUMOR FINALIST. MAKE ME LAUGH.
Oh you ARE hilarious. What a visual. I won't be there, sadly, but I hear it will be recorded. Can't wait to watch. :)
Steph
I so love you. SO love you. :) Congrats and good luck!
Oh yay! I'm so glad you were chosen, I LOVED the Community Keynote last year, so I'm really excited to hear you this year. And I'll be sure to sit a couple of rows back to avoid the projectile barf.
Oh, but will you also light up the stage and wax a chump like a candle?
I have never been so excited about something in my whole life.
but if you barf on me...we're through. hahaha
You know I have a small child because the first thing I thought of when I read "MAKE ME LAUGH!" was everyone asking Marlin to tell them a joke because he's a clown fish. Maybe you need a go-to knock-knock joke!
Congrats!
You will ROCK IT. I know you, and I know you WILL.
When I saw your name listed I smiled from ear to ear. :)
See you in one week!
If it makes you feel better, I'm a finalist in the humor category (thank you SO much for being one of the three who has to speak in front of everyone!) and my blog is rarely funny. Like, almost never. I'm pretty sure that they accidentally honored me for humor when what they meant was crazy and/or whining.
And for the record, your blog is regularly laugh out loud hilarious. So there.
You are going to ROCK it! And it will be AWESOME! I CANNOT WAIT!
Also, I cannot wait to see you in a little over a week! YAY!
Holy shit, we're supposed to read it OUT LOUD? Game. Changer.
"Make me laugh now" is kind of like "make me a bicycle, clown" - maybe you should bring balloon animals.
Check out the hook while my DJ revolves it.
Oh, and congratulations! You will be awesome!
That should be epic. I only tune in for the crazy hilarious pictures. The one with the rolls on your head a la Princess Leia was particularly funny.
You will be a riot.
Best,
Tina
I'll give you a dollar to barf on Ali.
I'm going to have Vanilla Ice's voice - and the image of his hair - in my head all day.
Congratulations on the nomination! That's very exciting.
You're going to be like Marlon the Clown Fish where everyone wants him to tell them a joke.
Just. . .don't mention Sea Cucumbers and you'll be golden!
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