My Contribution to the BlogHer 2010 Community Keynote - The Twilight: New Moon Rap

A few weeks ago, I was informed that my Twilight: New Moon rap had been selected as a Voices of the Year humor finalist for the BlogHer Community Keynote. "Would you be comfortable rapping?" I was asked.

I remember that I was standing smack in the middle of Grand Central Terminal when I got the email, and involuntarily simultaneously snorted and guffawed, the resultant noise eerily similar to what I imagine a duck in heat might sound like. I was obviously extremely flattered, but my first instinct was to decline, on account of never having spoken in front of a large group, PARTICULARLY a large group almost uniformly armed with Twitter accounts and blogs, and THEREBY PLATFORMS FOR OPINIONS AND SWEET FANCY MOSES WHERE IS MY FAINTING COUCH. Oh, and the fact that I am not actually a rapper by trade. 

And then I thought about it.

Why the hell not?

{CORNY ALERT, FEEL FREE TO SKIP: One of my favorite quotes is "Life begins at the end of your comfort zone." Well, what the eff was THIS, if not an opportunity to actually practice that? Despite how much the thought of doing it made me fear that I'd soil myself in some manner, I hated the idea of a missed opportunity even more.}


And so I said yes, got to memorizing my ridiculous rap, and performed Friday afternoon, with an amazing and talented group, including my hilarious fellow humor finalists, Marinka and Amy.




And truly, it was --gut-clenching terror aside -- exhilarating and fun to actually get out there and do. I hope you enjoy it.

(I've reposted the lyrics at the bottom so you can more easily follow along. if I come across a closer/sharper video, I'll  replace this one with it.)


BlogHer 2010 Community Keynote - The Twilight: New Moon Rap from metalia on Vimeo.

The New Moon Rap


Yeah, y'all know me, my name is Bella Swan.
Crushin' on a vampire who's oh-so pale and wan.
Edward's his name, built like a damn marble sculpture.
Knows Shakespeare n' crap, my dude is mad cultured.


His hair is gorgeous, and a sight to be seen.
Though it clearly ain't never been touched by Pantene.
It's shiny and flowing just like Niagara Falls,
Like Paul Bunyan's ox Babe, his 'do is ten feet tall.


But something bad just happened, hit me right in the gut.
It was my birthday and I got a paper cut.
No, really. That's it. It was nothing worse than that.
Then Jasper tried to eat me and so Edward knocked me flat.


Now time out for just one sec (this is kinda gross to mention),
But it's something that I feel needs a bit of attention.
If just a little paper cut made Jasper misbehave,
How do them vampires deal when I surf the crimson wave?


But back to the story at hand, though, herrre!
Edward abandoned me to . . . keep me all secure?
Look, I'm clumsy on the best of days, concussions to my gourd.
I'm bruisin', I'm trippin', I'm like ex-prez Gerald Ford.


So how exactly is it smart to leave me all alone?
It's truly quite a wonder I don't got more broken bones.
Oh! A lady vamp--Victoria-- is out to kill me good.
So of COURSE it's wise to leave my ass out there in the woods!


I soon realize I "see" Edward when I act super dumb.
Hangin' with Polanskis and racing bikes for fun.
I decide I'mma become an adrenaline junkie.
There's been no worse idea since that show Love Monkey.


I enlist Jacob to help, and with him, his hot ab muscles.
Them cougar hos be trippin'. Don't fight me, hos, I'll tussle.
I want him! I don't! I'm so damn undecided.
I hate him! I love him! I totes just wanna Ride It!


Jacob soon mysteriously abandons my ass, too.
He gets all enraged and treats my friend Mike just like a poo.
I'm mired in what's become a real deep personal hell.
But with these boys all leaving me, I wonder...do I smell?


Surprise! Jacob's a werewolf; lycanthrope if yo' smart.
He fursplodes out his cutoffs, they shred and come apart.
And Jacob's doing wolfy things, ain't got no time for me.
So I decide to run off, and cliffdive into the sea.


"Sound Decisions" is my middle name, but thankfully, I'm buoyant.
Alas Alice, Edward's sister (she's USUALLY clairvoyant),
She sees me drown, she doesn't see that Jacob comes to save me.
From Victoria the vampire, and the churnin' sea.


But now poor Edward thinks I'm gone an' that I kicked the bucket.
So he decides he'll go and tell the Volturi to suck it.
What, ya'll don't know about the vampires Volturi?
They melt you like the sun does to a wee snow flurry.


And how will Edward go and stick it to the man?
Drain a rabbi in Times Square? Hit a nun with a van?
No! Edward goes about his game much more starkly.
He'll...step into the sun, so his skin turns all sparkly?


Yo, don't ask me, people, I'm just a mere human.
I lack the understanding of vampire acumen.
So Alice and I set out to stop my darling Ed.
Prevent the Volturi from up and killin' him dead.


Dudes prancing 'round Voltura in red shrouds with quite the sheen,
Was like something straight outta Eyes Wide Shut's deleted scenes.
No orgies here, though; just peeps blocking me from my run,
Somehow, I reached Ed 'fore he sparkled in the sun.


Some crazy vampire crap went down...hey look! Dakota Fanning.
And some vampire tackled Edward, just like Peyton Manning.
We left Voltura promising that I'd be turned VAMPIRE.
The Cullens had sworn up and down- Volturi don't like liars.


So here we are, a promise made, soon I shall be undead.
I don't want to spoil things, in case you haven't read.
For what it's worth though, I must say, now that we've gotten back,
I'd still rather totally do those dudes in the wolfpack.