I'm writing a book.
Now, I know what you're thinking: Metalia, didn't you say you were going to write a book a while ago? Where did I put my car keys? And why didn't anyone tell me how good Hot & Spicy Cheez-Its were? And to all these things, I say, yes, in the pantry, probably, and OMG I KNOW. Am I projecting a bit? Perhaps I am! But I'm just so excited!
I think it was Benjamin Franklin who once said "We know not from whence inspiration comes, only that we must grap it mightily as though with the jaws of a lion when it striketh."
I just made that up, honestly, but it sounds like something he would say, you know? I--well, here, it looks much more official now. You'll see what I mean, I'm sure.
So, the book. Oh, my friends, the WHIRLWHIND! The LIGHTNING CLAP THAT WAS!
There I was, strolling the aisles of my bookstore, attempting to find something new, and it seemed that everywhere I turned, there was another memoir about someone doing SOMEthing for a year. Living biblically for a year! Living like Oprah for a year! Not shopping for a year! Living with subway dwellers for a year! Again, I made that one up, but you just KNOW some hipster right now is all "YES! And I shall call it From PBR to Panhandling for Nickels: My Year with the Mole People."
And like that, my inner book found ME. My friends: I have decided to write a book about spending a year reading books by people who spend a year doing something.
Each of the books, I've realized, follow a similar formula. How hard could it be? OBSERVE:
Step 1: Pick random-ass, deceptively unique-yet-wholly-relatable thing to write about.
Step 2: Write about how great it is, and how your soul NEEDED this.
Step 3: Uh oh! Crisis of some sort! Will you finish on schedule? Do you need to? DO you WANT to? Is it worth [insert sacrifice here]?
Step 4: RALLY, YO! You get it done in in time!
Step 5: Talk about the life lessons you've gained from this yearlong experience.
Obviously, my book about how I spent a year reading books about other people who spent a year doing something and then writing a book about it is going to be huge, AND also super easy to write. So much so that I'm not really working on the book part right now (it'll basically write itself! I'm sure!) and have instead turned my focus to the cover, since, as we all know, there is inevitably a significant amount of judgment levied upon it.
My first attempt was terrible.
My second attempt was much better, mainly because I stole J's glasses, and ditched the pajamas.
I'm coming for you, New York Times Best-Seller list!