"Now Metalia," you're probably saying to yourself, "Surely there are more important things going on in your life and the world at large, such that you realize how stupid it is to care about deodorant." And you're right, which is exactly WHY I'm choosing to care focus on the deodorant! If I don't, I'll start obsessing over why starlings are just DROPPING FROM THE DAMN SKY like misfires in Angry Birds, or why THOUSANDS OF FISH ARE SIMULTANEOUSLY DYING AS THOUGH SHREK FARTED IN A POND. So it's either focus on the deodorant, or spend my evenings constructing a doomsday shelter out of what appear to be my most abundant resources: Anthropologie cardigans, and shoes. Accordingly, it will be whimsical, yet shoddy.
I am doomed.
Deodorant it is!
I am very particular about deodorant. When I was in fourth grade, wearing deodorant -- regardless of whether it was yet necessary for you, personally -- was arbitrarily determined to be a Very Cool Thing To Do, and a subcategory of this Very Cool Thing To Do was that you had to use aerosol spray. You needed to be as obvious as possible about your Deodorant-Wearing Status, I guess, and basically, what we had there was 18 little girls -- who probably smelled perfectly fine -- constantly whipping out huge spray cans of deodorant between classes, world-weary expressions on their faces. "Oh, man. Here I go. Gotta spray the deodorant. No choice. Such is life," our world-weary expressions said. Like we weren't SECRETLY OVERJOYED to be among the deodorized. And like we'd just run back-to-back marathons, and hadn't been...sitting still, learning how to find Botswana on a map. SO much physical exertion!!
A few years later, I realized I loathed spray deodorant, (so cold! so sticky! so always-accidentally-up-my-nose-y!) and there were other options out there. After some trial and error, I realized a few things: anything in the "powder" genre makes me want to choke/barf, gel never truly dries, and ultimately, I really, really prefer solids over any other form.
Which brings me to my point.
If you were scouting out a new deodorant, and you saw the phrase "advanced solid" on the front, wouldn't you assume it was, in fact, solid? A normal, straight-up solid, advanced, perhaps, only in the degree of Magical Deodorant Protection it offered?
And not, say, an amorphous mushblob encased in hard plastic? The base of which you had to CLICK CLICK CLICK to access (which was, I'm sure, super enjoyable for others to hear at 5:50 in the goddamn morning, when you were attempting to apply it, like, for instance, your sleeping husband, and no, this isn't getting hyper-specific, this is just a normal run-of-the-mill example for everybody, ever, I don't know what you're talking about)? And then you had to smoosh the "advanced solid" out through the squiggly holes in the plastic top, in a manner reminiscent of the Play-Doh Fun Factory? Only instead of playfully crafting dough faces and spaghetti, you're stuck sort of...smearing deodorant goo around on your person? And you wonder precisely just what the hell happened?
I have been deceived, is what I'm saying, and I will not stand for it. I mean, I will, because I can't find the receipt, but you know what I'm saying, which is that INSIDE, I'm very busy, not standing for it. SONS OF SCOTLAND, I AM WILLIAM WALLACE, and all that.
Seriously--Is there ANYONE who likes this type of deodorant? What form do you use? And yes, I'm really asking, but I'm doing it for all of us, because: anything to keep from thinking about the dead birds. And fish. (OMG AND NOW CRABS? The Mayans were right all along!)