I was the child who -- when reading about the arduous journeys of sailors at the turn of the century -- noted that she hadn't had oranges in a few weeks, and became convinced she was coming down with scurvy. This pretty much set the tone for my (totally proportionate) reactions to any and all potential medical matters in life. Pregnancy-induced iron deficiency? I'M GOING TO DEVELOP PICA. Peeling radiator? OMG IT'S PROBABLY LEAD PAINT WE'RE ALL GONNA DIEEEEEEEE.
I just got the results of my bloodwork from my annual (by which I mean "five years since the last") physical, and my doctor pronounced them "unremarkable," which, yes, is the actual word he used. (When you think about it, however, you truly couldn't ask for a better adjective in this context.)
"Just one thing," he said, "your Vitamin D levels are severely below optimal levels." "What's optimal?" I asked him, and he told me "around 50 whatevers." NOTE: he didn't actually say "whatevers," but I have a tendency to tune out when medical people mention amounts of stuff, so it could've been "millileters," or it could've been "kilowatts" and I would have literally had no clue. "Sure, sounds appropriate," is what I would've said, regardless. This is one of the many reasons I would have made a stunningly horrific doctor. I at least had the presence of mind to ask what my Vitamin D level actually WAS, and he told me "18." EIGHTEEN WHATEVERS, OPTIMAL BEING 50 WHATEVERS.
I promptly freaked out and asked him what I needed to do. "You'll be fine. You should drink more milk [ha!], and need to take some Vitamin D supplements," he assured me. I promised him I'd pick some up as soon as we hung up.
As soon as we hung up, I proceeded to Google "Vitamin D deficiency." I then had to Google "what do rickets look like," and came up with a new diet plan, called the "The Google Image Search of Diseases Diet." (NO STEALSIES, you guys!) I promptly became convinced I had mild rickets. I fell headfirst down the Disease Search Wormhole at that point, and -- in repeatedly poking my leg to see if I had the dreaded Softening of the Bones --may have actually caused a different Vitamin D deficiency side effect, Bone Tenderness. ("Bone Tenderness" will be my band's next single, by the way.)
I decided it would be a perfect time to grab lunch, and took a walk outside (in the glorious, Vitamin-D-giving sunlight). I pulled myself together, and knew what I had to do next. RAISE AWARENESS.
My Vitamin D Deficiency Awareness Twibbon is a very special and glorious rainbow, because all the good colors are taken, and I didn't want to offend, for instance, Lance Armstrong by using solely yellow. I don't know, he could rally, like, a troop of NYC bike messengers to come after me, and those sons of bitches are crazy enough as it is. I say that having nearly been repeatedly been mowed down by them WHILE WALKING ON THE SIDEWALK LIKE A NORMAL PERSON WALKING ON A SIDEWALK. Yes, my Vitamin D Deficiency Awareness Twibbon is basically the Technicolor Dreamcoat of Twibbons. So, there you have it: you're aware, which is pretty much the most important thing. (I'll pick up my new vitamins ANY day now.*)
Twitter Party forthcoming.
*I picked them up!