The Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 1 Rap

Bella Swan representin’ up in 360!

(Nooooo, I didn’t have to Google search that area code!)

Edward’s gonna marry me- we ‘bout to have some fun.

Too bad my ring looks like it’s from Forever 21.

I’m only 18, but I make such good decisions.

Here I come, all dressed in white, I’m truly a vision.

I don’t need no college, yo, I’mma be his wife.

I’ll get my education in the school OF LIFE.

By “life,” I mean “death,” cuz a vampire I’ll be.

Soon after the wedding of my boo Edward, and me.

But hush, now; hush! It’s on the DL, son.

Keep it like a secret up in Area 51.

Jacob is enraged at this – quelle surprise.

He’s all were-pissed and fursplodes, running off into the trees.

I’m focused on my wedding night, not that son of a gun.

I got 99 problems, but that wolf ain’t one.

We fly to South America, to our own private isle!

I’m Mrs. Edward Cullen, but I’m full of nervous bile.

Like the Starship Enterprise, steered by Captain Picard,

We on a big-time mission:  It’s to cash in my V-Card.

Without delving into detail, I’m no longer a virgin.

The crashing waves! The ocean breeze! Right there, among the sturgeon.

The bed, it breaks; the feathers fly, the candles flicker so.

Is…this a Twilight movie, or a Meat Loaf video?

Somehow, I’m pregnant by a vampire, which seems so insane.

It’s just as bad as Superman knocking up Lois Lane.

In my defense, he is mad old, and already sorta…killed.

Who’da thought I ever woulda needed Tha Pill?

The wolfpack then finds out the news, and takes it all quite well.

Just kidding! They freak out and vow to send us to hell.

They have some…psychic werewolf fight, ‘bout how and if they’ll strike.

Not unlike a Nevernude, it’s just what it sounds like.

I’m pregnant with a demon spawn, it’s taking my lifeforce.

But I’m full of blissful martyrdom, I ain’t got no remorse!

Since I’m feeling so pale an’ sickly, I drink a blood smoothie.

And like the 59^th Street Bridge song, I am feelin’ groovy.

Hark! My back is broken, but not so much my water.

All the same, the baby’s coming, and I’m ‘bout to be slaughtered.

Blood! Bitey c-section! And also, there’s a baby.

It’s vampire! It’s human! I’m dead! Kind of! Maybe!

Edward vampire-bites me, so as to bring me back.

And let’s be honest: ‘cuz I’m a delicious ladysnack.

The venom courses through my veins; it’s ever so bizarre!

And boom—my eyes pop open, like that scene in Avatar.

We’ll be back again soon for Part 2 of Breaking Dawn;

To fight off some Volturi, and make their asses gone.

So much is uncertain, on one thing we can agree.

 “Renesme” truly is a name of timeless cool beauty .