Academy Awards Fashion Pop Quiz 2011: Basically, it involves a lot of tinfoil.

I love the Oscars. Rarely do they live up to my expectations, but I can't NOT watch, you know? One of my favorite parts, obviously, is the Red Carpet. My SUPERfavorite part, though, is assessing what, precisely, a number of our favorite stars were thinking when they pulled together their looks for the event.

Last year, I expressed my deep, complex, and clearly very important feelings about this via a photo pop quiz. After seeing a few looks during the pre-show coverage last night, I decided to reprise that concept this year.

Here we go! Which poorly-dressed Academy Award attendees am I in the following five shots?

Eyes on your own paper!

I've Already Taken The Liberty of Creating A Twibbon, But No Pressure.

I was the child who -- when reading about the arduous journeys of sailors at the turn of the century -- noted that she hadn't had oranges in a few weeks, and became convinced she was coming down with scurvy. This pretty much set the tone for my (totally proportionate) reactions to any and all potential medical matters in life. Pregnancy-induced iron deficiency? I'M GOING TO DEVELOP PICA. Peeling radiator? OMG IT'S PROBABLY LEAD PAINT WE'RE ALL GONNA DIEEEEEEEE.

I just got the results of my bloodwork from my annual (by which I mean "five years since the last") physical, and my doctor pronounced them "unremarkable," which, yes, is the actual word he used.  (When you think about it, however, you truly couldn't ask for a better adjective in this context.)

"Just one thing," he said, "your Vitamin D levels are severely below optimal levels." "What's optimal?" I asked him, and he told me "around 50 whatevers." NOTE: he didn't actually say "whatevers," but I have a tendency to tune out when medical people mention amounts of stuff, so it could've been "millileters," or it could've been "kilowatts" and I would have literally had no clue. "Sure, sounds appropriate," is what I would've said, regardless. This is one of the many reasons I would have made a stunningly horrific doctor. I at least had the presence of mind to ask what my Vitamin D level actually WAS, and he told me "18." EIGHTEEN WHATEVERS, OPTIMAL BEING 50 WHATEVERS.

I promptly freaked out and asked him what I needed to do. "You'll be fine. You should drink more milk [ha!], and need to take some Vitamin D supplements," he assured me. I promised him I'd pick some up as soon as we hung up.


As soon as we hung up, I proceeded to Google "Vitamin D deficiency." I then had to Google "what do rickets look like," and came up with a new diet plan, called the "The Google Image Search of Diseases Diet." (NO STEALSIES, you guys!) I promptly became convinced I had mild rickets. I fell  headfirst down the Disease Search Wormhole at that point, and -- in repeatedly poking my leg to see if I had the dreaded Softening of the Bones --may have actually caused a different Vitamin D deficiency side effect, Bone Tenderness. ("Bone Tenderness" will be my band's next single, by the way.)

I decided it would be a perfect time to grab lunch, and took a walk outside (in the glorious, Vitamin-D-giving sunlight). I pulled myself together, and knew what I had to do next. RAISE AWARENESS.

My Vitamin D Deficiency Awareness Twibbon is a very special and glorious rainbow, because all the good colors are taken, and I didn't want to offend, for instance, Lance Armstrong by using solely yellow. I don't know, he could rally, like, a troop of NYC bike messengers to come after me, and those sons of bitches are crazy enough as it is. I say that having nearly been repeatedly been mowed down by them WHILE WALKING ON THE SIDEWALK LIKE A NORMAL PERSON WALKING ON A SIDEWALK. Yes, my Vitamin D Deficiency Awareness Twibbon is basically the Technicolor Dreamcoat of Twibbons. So, there you have it: you're aware, which is pretty much the most important thing. (I'll pick up my new vitamins ANY day now.*)

Twitter Party forthcoming.

*I picked them up!

Five Random Things

1. Thank you, as always, for your fantastic advice, this time, regarding the crib thing. What made it especially fantastic is that  your comments were pretty much UNANIMOUS, which just makes things that much easier. So: crib until she attempts to leave it herself/asks for a bed. Got it.

2. Last week, I had the pleasure of having drinks and dinner (cheese, nuts and pickled vegetables is dinner, right?) with Holly and Deb, which was exactly as lovely as you would imagine. And while you're imagining, please factor in that (a) Deb brought us SOMETHING SHE BAKED. Delicious figgy challah,, warm and fresh from her oven, COULD YOU DIE? (Well, not so much "die," as want to "eat it." I'm hair-splitting, I suppose.); and (b) our bartender looked, acted and dressed exactly like Justin Timberlake, which just lent an air of delightful absurdity to the evening.

3. Hipster Ariel is killing me softly. LOVE.

4. You know what else is killing me, but like, for real?  This scene from a commercial for a local storage facility. Every time, I'm surprised by it, somehow, and the horror hits me anew. EVERY TIME.

5. Tomorrow, I have my first physical in what is, by my count, FIVE YEARS. I think. I've been to see medical professionals for, like, strep tests, exciting pleurisy adventures, and appointments related to childbirth/That General Area of Things, but I have not gone for a head-to-toe, scarypants physical in eons. I've been putting it off for ages (obviously) because I am like a child. So, I've been telling myself that I read Esquire -- in which Dr. Oz writes many articles -- so I FEEL like I've been in good hands. Eat nuts! Salmon! Drink red wine! Work out! ON IT, DR. OZ. I decided, though, that 2011 is the year I become Responsible About The Kind of Stuff, fear of tongue depressors be damned. This appointment has been looming for over a month, which is juuuuust the right amount of time to have completely made myself Rip Torn-level crazy.

OhgodI'msoscaredHOLDME.

Elsewhere...

~ A solution to the "chapped lips, still want pretty lipcolor" problem


~ Where to find long-sleeved winter dresses: one of life's great mysteries, SOLVED

~ The layering turtleneck: a wardrobe staple (on the cheap!) 

~ Tinted moisturizer for people who hate tinted moisturizer 

~The best flat boots. Ever.

~ You need this eyeliner


~ Perfectly applied cream blush in four easy steps