18 Questions and Comments About the Worst ComMEOWcial Ever Made (I hope you see what I did there!)

If you follow me on Twitter, you know I had a full-on Episode last night, upon seeing what I have come to determine is the worst commercial ever made:



I caught it on TV, and promptly fell down a YouTube Wormhole of Horror, filled with repeat viewings, things I cannot unknow (the characters have actual names, and they are Sean and Lisa), and YouTube comments I cannot unsee ("Thanks for showing me my dream man/dream proposal!!!!!" "This made my uterus smile." "I now have a cupboard full of Fancy Feast......and I don't even have a cat!!! lol."

Obviously, I have some questions.

1. Really?

2. No, like, really? For rill, rill.

3. Okay, well. When did Shia LeBeouf get so old?

4. Why does his girlfriend think a spangled halter top and a spangled-yet-mumsy-cardigan pair well together?

5. Is she...YES. She's more excited to see the cat than her parents. That's...something.

6. When you bring a guy home for dinner to meet your parents, do you all refrain from speaking, and simply exchange Meaningful Looks Whilst Chewing? Is this a thing now?

7. Because, I mean, to me, that would be a weird date, and I say that having been ambushed into a date by a guy, driven across state lines, introduced to his family, and then serenaded by him with an original song entitled "Pleasure Me Orally."

8. TRUE STORY. 

9. The way Shia is staring at either the mom or the cat is...well, it's unwholesome, is what it is. But WHICH ONE IS IT? Mystery! Or MEOWstery! (Okay, I'll stop now.)

10. I'm so glad Shia has redecorated that extra room as a Cat Room. It's both relatable and a clever use of space.

11. Painting it burnt orange is smart and necessary, since everyone knows that's the official Cat Favorite Color! (What?)

12.  A goddamn fabric couch to accent Cat Room. Well, that's just straight-up nonsense.

13. OMG HE HUNG UP A PICTURE OF A CAT IN CAT ROOM. JUST IN CASE YOU WEREN'T SURE WHERE YOU WERE.

14. Why is she so surprised about Cat Room? Even if they weren't living together, you're telling me she NEVER came over? Never saw Cat Room in the making?

15. Fine. FINE. So we'll just SUPPOSE he closed the door while he was making Cat Room a reality. YOU wouldn't be weirded out if your significant other had a secret room he didn't let you enter? Are we in some crazypants cat-themed Merchant-Ivory adaptation?

16. WILL YOU MARRY US. OMFG.

17. Well, at least we know who Shia was creepily ogling before.

18. Worst. Commercial. Ever.

On Purim costumes, sexy giraffes, and swimming lessons

This weekend, we celebrated one of my favorite Jewlidays, Purim, which is sometimes referred to as "the Jewish Halloween." Some of you may recall that in years past, I SLAVED over my kids costumes;  Lady Gaga, Baby Hippie, Elvis and Tiny Bret Michaels don't pull themselves together, after all. (Okay, the DJ Lance thing wasn't too difficult.)

This year was different; I found myself faced with two very opinionated kids who wanted nothing to do with my plans. (Wee Black Swan and the old man from Up, if you were curious, though I hadn't fully fleshed out either idea, and -- OH FINE, I HAD DIAGRAMS, OKAY? THEY INVOLVED TULLE AND A SHIT TON OF BALLOONS, RESPECTIVELY!) No, they wanted the most typical costumes in

the history of ever: Spiderman and a ballerina.

Obviously, I relented, because I am not a crazy person, at least not in this particular case. I know this is just the beginning of one of the more bittersweet parts of parenthood, where I can no longer foist my tastes (Purim-related, or otherwise) on them, because they're developing their own. And I'll try to stand back and let them do so until Lo decides in 10 years she wants to be a Sexy Giraffe, or whatever, and then God help her.

 

In other news, we've just started swimming lessons. Well, not WE; J and I both know how to swim fairly well, although only one of us still occasionally talks about some years-old camp award/certificate that set forth just how good a swimmer they were. J. But, the children! The children are learning to swim. T goes to the big kid class on Monday afternoons, but Lo is still itty-bitty, and needs a parent in the water with her. The two of us, therefore, go to the parent-toddler swim class on Sunday morning. It's something I treasure, honestly, because it's rare -- since I work full-time -- that I get to to any "mommy and me" type class with my kids, and the class is really great. It is ALSO its own special brand of hell, because I get to awkwardly sing and play in a suspiciously warm pool, in front of strangers, all while wearing a hideous matronly swimsuit with a slippery child alternating between clinging to my waist and flinging herself into the water, and really. REALLY. If this wasn't a Fear Factor challenge back in the day, it damn well should've been. 

I realize I haven't posted pictures of my kids in a while, so I'll close out this kid-centric post with a few recent shots. They're getting rather BIG, right? It's not just me?What is HAPPENING?

Elsewhere...

Here's some other stuff I've recently written:

~ A Cheaper Version of Latisse? I INVESTIGATE.


~ The Pleated Skirt Conundrum


~ My Perennial Fashion Week Favorite: Phillip Lim


~ My New Fashion Blog Obsession: Uber Chic for Cheap


~ Every Time I Say "Clarisonic," I Start Singing the Teen Witch Rap


~ Eyeliner for my Fellow Brown-Eyed Girls (Sha la la la la la la!)


~ Pacifica Body Butter in Tuscan Blood Orange: My favorite hand cream


~ Perfect Red Lipstick. Period. Oh, and it costs a dollar.


~ My Trick for the Tail-End-of-Winter-Blues (OH, IT COULD BE A THING)

An Easy, Gorgeous Bun in Three Steps: a how-to from (and for) the hairstyle-impaired

I'm hairstyle-impaired. It's a shame, really, because I have long, straight hair, which, I gather, is good for Doing Stuff With, and all I really do with it is...let it sit there. Most days, it's pulled back in a boring ponytail, and sometimes, when I get REALLY CRAZY, I twist the sides back with bobby pins, like so:

Very, very exciting and creative, right? I am the Lady Gaga of hairstyZZZZZZZZZZZZZ IT IS SO VERY BORING. I AM IN R.E.M. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Like I said, hairstyle-impaired. It's not like I don't WANT to learn how to do fun stuff with my hair--I'm just inevitably hopeless at it. I am, therefore, really, REALLY excited to share with you a cool, EASY bun that I figured out all by myself.

All you need is:

• Hair.
• Long, beautiful hair.
• Shining, gleaming, streami--okay, enough of that.
• One hair elastic.
• Some sort of hair...cream...stuff. You know, the stuff. Like, something to make it smooth? But also stay in place? See? You know. I told you you'd know! I used this. 
• Working knowledge of how to make a regular braid.
• Love. 

Step 1: Work the hair product through your hair. It lets your hair know who's boss, and projects an air of confidence that makes you feel like you know what you're doing. "Why, yes, I use hair product. This is the product I use. On my hair." -- Me, to my reflection.

Step 2: Pull your hair back like you're about to make a low ponytail, but -- PLOT TWIST -- instead, of doing that, start tightly braiding it. Do you know how hard it is to take a clear picture of your hair from behind, while holding said hair, and NOT also accidentally getting your pajama-clad  butt in the frame? This was my Everest.

Step 3: Once you braid down to the bottom, carefully start twisting the braid. Is that my thumb? WHY YES, IT IS MY THUMB. Twist it (the braid, not my thumb) until it wraps around itself, and secure it with the hair elastic...

 

Voila! A chic bun with an almost woven effect, that makes you look like a grown-up ballerina lady and/or someone who knows a lot more about hair than you actually do: