Four Things

1. J and I have been married for eight and a half years, and while I know we know each other very well, every now and then, something happens which makes me realize we SUPERknow each other. For example, the other day, upon seeing a circus ad:


Me: You know, I am really against the circus.
J: Is this based entirely on the clowns, and the fact that you saw Water for Elephants? 
Me: ...yes.

2. I've started a new gig over at CafeMom, on attempting to find a balance with regard to healthy kids' eating. Here are my first three posts.

3. I am kind of into this whole Draw Something app. (For the uninitiated, it's basically Pictionary.) I say kind of because while I love it in theory, I am kind of hyperfocused when it comes to my drawings, and then I get bogged down, and long story short, I think I have 572 active games going. Do not let that deter you, however! It is amazing! Or whatever adjective you would use to describe a game wherein you get to do this:

4. I recently decided to start working out regularly, as opposed to once every millennium, turkey leg in hand. I have been going to Pilates twice a week, and then doing some Jillian Michaels Power Yoga business. I bring this up because while I'm not trying to lose weight, I am trying to...tone? Is that a thing? Anyway, the problem is, after I work out (always at night), I am basically ready to eat a sofa. What do I do about this? Eat all the things? Eat nothing? Please advise, people who exercise at night! 

She Is TOTALLY FINE, By The Way, Let Me Lead With That

Last Wednesday night, I had just put the kids to sleep, and was pulling out hair products to write a very important post (no doubt). And so when Lo told me her tummy hurt, and asked me to come in and rub it, I, uh, rolled my eyes, and took my time walking down the hall to her. Before you think me a heartless soul, please understand that while I'm certain that your children are all very wonderful, mine are the best...at bedtime procrastination. They could medal in it. ("My teeth aren't sleepy yet." remains the gold standard here.) I asked her where it hurt, she waved toward her lower left side, and as my hand touched touched the spot, I honestly jumped back. Because I wasn't prepared.

The best way I can describe the lump I felt is to tell you to imagine that someone's finger was pushing through from the other side. Or -- if you've ever had a baby -- the way their tiny elbow juts up and out, like they're trying to burst through, a la Alien. I snapped on her light, and asked her when it had started hurting, barely waiting for an answer. I started making calls. J (who was at a Knicks game, flew home in record time), my parents (for babysitting, in case I needed to dash with her to the ER). and the pediatrician, who, after hearing my description, asked me to take some pictures and email them to him (GENIUS). A pediatric surgeon was involved (he saw the pictures, too, and it was agreed we'd meet him at the ER first thing in the morning).

I had thought -- three hours ago, before all this -- that when I was going into that room, I were going to give an extra kiss, maybe get some more water, not, feel some horrifying mystery mass in my kid's side.

The ER was a blur of kind, calm, efficiency. I'd like to say that I myself was the picture of maternal, calm, efficiency, but the truth is I was a mess on the inside. I felt informed, but powerless, as I sat there smiling, listening, returning emails, and following instructions, my brain a paralyzing loop of WHATIFWHATIFWHATIF. After numerous doctors and nurses examined her, a series of potential diagnoses and directions (Hernia! Not hernia! Thrombosed vein! Lipoma! "PLEASE DON'T LET HER EAT WE MAY NEED TO OPERATE"), two ultrasounds, the surgical consult, and a lot of waiting, they determined it was a hematoma, which basically boils down to this: it was harmless. You get an injury that could result in a black-and-blue mark, but instead of being an actual black and blue mark, it turns into a scary mass of blood under the skin, inside the tissue, hence the scary lump. It could have happened from anything, they told us. She could've walked into the corner of a low table at school, or fallen on a toy, but regardless, it was going to be okay: they told us it should clear up on its own, no surgery necessary (and sure enough, it's already getting better).


It's been almost a week now, she's fine, and now that a little time has passed, the drumbeat of the WHATIFWHATIFWHATIF has subsided. There are, as we know, no guarantees with this whole parenting thing, but I'm just so very thankful this particular episode ended how it did.*

* Which was, to be precise, with her leaping around her room, asking me to be a baby bee, and that she would be my mommy bee, and that she was going to make me, her baby bee, some "beautiful soup."

I've never been happier to be a baby bee.

A List of Seven Things I Recently Bought and Wholeheartedly Endorse

I have this thing where if I buy something and I love it, I don't shut up about it, and want to share it with the world, so we can all hold hands and frolic, whilst enjoying the magical wonder of it all. If I worked for the UN, there would be peace, is what I'm saying, because I have all the solutions.

So:

1. NARS LIPSTICK IN DAMAGE My color blind dad is obviously doing the color descriptions at Sephora, because "sheer muted grape" this is not. It is, however, super pretty. If I could pick a perfect, ideal lip color, this would be it. Pinky, sheer perfection. Here I am, wearing it. (New hair color, what up.)

2. HARNEY & SONS HOT CINNAMON SUNSET TEA It's somehow naturally sweet (cinnamon? Witchcraft? Who am I to say?), and so it doesn't need any honey. It also has a bit of a kick. If you don't like cinnamon, this probably isn't for you. (Come on, cinnamon haters, wouldn't it have been awesome if I tried to convince you otherwise, all, I PROMISE YOU WILL LOVE THIS TEA THAT IS ACTIVELY CALLED " HOT CINNAMON SUNSET"? Like people always do to me with their raisin-centric dish, the one they are certain will shake me of my raisin-hating ways? STOP WITH THE RAISINS. IT IS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. The cinnamon is the raisin of this situation, in case that was unclear.)

3. JOHN FRIEDA FULL REPAIR PROTECTING ROOT LIFT FOAM Two things you should know about me: 1. I judge beauty products by their scent. Like, it's a key factor in my decision-making process, despite whatever extreme efficacy said beauty product might have. 2. I have a large stockpile of pricey, college tuition-costing beauty products at home, but I have a small MacGyver-like bag of drugstore accoutrements in my office at work to account for most beauty/fashion-related situations there. Well, three things: I am afraid of lighthouses. Bearing all of this in mind (minus the lighthouses, but I really wanted to make sure I was giving you the full picture), I recently stumbled across this stuff at Rite-Aid, and you guys, it smells SO GOOD. I keep it in my desk drawer, and it punches up my hair/roots, but in a natural, subtle way, that is not at all mall-hair-ish. Did I mention it smells SO GOOD? Also, it contains Inca Ichi oil, which I keep seeing everywhere, and have thus concluded that there is soon going to be an exciting and sexy anthropomorphic West Side Story dance-fight between Inca Ichi oil, and Argan oil. THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE.


4. PHILOSOPHY AMAZING GRACE PERFUME ROLLERBALL I've long been intrigued by the rollerball concept, but never found a perfume I liked that came in that form. Recently, I kept smelling this gorgeous, subtle perfume on someone at work, and loved it so much that I needed to casually inquire about it without (I hope) seeming creepy. When I saw it came in a rollerball version, I was even more excited. Based on the perfume notes description, this isn't normally something I would have gone for, but I bought it, and am now creepily sniffing my own arm! A fairy tale ending, if ever there was one.

5. MAYBELLINE BABY LIPS LIP BALM IN GRAPE VINE STOP JUDGING ME  AND JUST TRY IT ALREADY.

6. PILOT EASY TOUCH PRO PEN Are you particular about pens? I am not quiiiiite insane, but I strongly veer in the direction of blue ballpoint, medium point pens, and these are my new favorite. My handwriting continues to be the worst, but at least I FEEL better about it, writing with this bad boy. Which I will probably lose tomorrow.


7. "HELLO" -- MARTIN SOLVEIG AND DRAGONETTE I have had this on repeat for a few days now, and it's on current rotation in our "Now That's What I Call A Kitchen Dance Party! 28" playlist.

And what product/song/whatever is rocking your world of late?

The Endless, Rambling Disney Post I'm SURE You've Been Waiting For

We're back from Disney World! For starters, thank you all so much for the great plane and park-related advice. And now that I've experienced it, I have some advice of my own. Also, pictures, and useless observations:

BEFORE YOU GO:

If you have a princess-obsessed daughter, go to the Disney Store before you leave. There, you can let her pick out a princess/fairy/enchanted gnome queen costume for a fraction of the price it will cost you in the park itself. The park is TEEMING with little princesses, all dolled up in their own fancy dresses, and it's easier to have this in your suitcase for when your daughter notices this, and wants to be one, too. Which will happen. I have a Tangled lover on my hands, as you can see. This was basically the highlight of her life, and I may have gotten a little teary, myself:

• Shit be expensive in the parks. Order a case of water and other essentials from a local grocery delivery service. I am in no way receiving any compensation for this, but we used Garden Grocer. They make a point of the fact that they deliver to Disney resorts, and the stuff gets there whenever you want it to (provided you order with sufficient advance time). Having cold water and other snacks on hand, and in our bags before we headed out for the day was so convenient. 

• Location, Location, Location. If you can stay on-premises, do it. We were in a great suite at The Bay Lake Towers, in the Contemporary (we went with my parents, who are awesome), which I highly recommend. The rooms, views and the pool were great...

...it was under a ten minute walk to the Magic Kingdom, and the monorail runs right through the lobby, which, in addition to the convenience factor, will blow your kids' MINDS. 
  
WHEN YOU GET THERE

• Get a stroller, oh my god, get a stroller. It just makes everything easier. Also, while I did not procure leashes for my kids, I did tape our last name and cell phone number inside their shirts each day, with the instructions that if they somehow got lost, that they should find someone with a name tag and show them the tape. (It didn't happen, THANK GOD.)

• Fireworks strategery. Fireworks are beautiful and magical, and also the main viewing area (in front of Cinderella's castle) where everyone congregates is a horrifically frightening crowded deathtrap with no lights (they turn them off for the show).  Basically, you are probably going to get pickpocketed and/or pregnant, is how close you are crammed in to the people next to you. Instead, watch the fireworks from BEHIND Cinderella's castle, right by the carousel. There is basically NO ONE THERE, you can pull up a chair from the (empty) restaurant-thing, and enjoy. And the view is still great. See?

Okay, that's about it in terms of useful advice. And now, for some useless observations!


USELESS OBSERVATIONS/STUFF

• People are weird. Can we talk, for a brief moment, about how super weird it is to see adults waiting in line to meet, say, Ariel and Prince Eric (somehow this was weirder with the "real" people characters, as opposed to, say, Pluto), and then having lengthy and earnest conversations with them? And then getting their autographs? For this is super weird.

• Your children may not have the same irrational childhood fears as you. Donald Duck's beak: Not scarring a new generation!

  

 

• You can, however, develop new fears. Getting stuck on Spaceship Earth next to a humanoid moving animatronic...thing for an excess of two minutes will haunt me for a very long time.

• FINE. FINE. I WILL READ HARRY POTTER. YOU WIN, SOCIETY.

 

• Sometimes, a little self-imposed time out is a good thing.

 

All in all, I can say without a shred of irony that it was the best vacation I've ever had. I've been lucky to have gone on some great trips, and visited some beautiful places, but for pure feel-good, cheek-hurting smile enjoyment, oh my word, Disney with your kids is where it's at.

And We Didn't Even Have to Win the Super Bowl!

My friends, in less than two weeks, this is happening:

I recorded the kids' immediate reaction, but it was very sad and hilarious (sadlarious?) because they have no in-depth concept of time. ("Oh! Cool. We're going WHEN WE GET BIGGER??" "No, but REALLY SOON, guys." "We're going TONIGHT?!" "Oh, forget it.")

Once they understood a little bit more about when they were going, and what exists there, we were all very, very excited.

J has been to Disney World once in his life, as a seven year old, so he basically remembers nothing.
 I, on the other hand, have been a number of times, all noteworthy in their own right:

Age 2: Meet Donald Duck. Proceed, per family legend, to have horrific, shriek-filled nightmares, all centering around Donald Duck's beak for the remainder of the trip.

Age 5: Apparently in a ballerina stage, I wore a series of leotards throughout the trip, and the only good picture of me is with the fat wolf sheriff from Robin Hood. This will become a theme.

Age 15: My grandparents took our entire family on a Disney cruise with a stop in the World itself, to celebrate a milestone anniversary. So nice, right? Yeah, QUID PRO QUO: We all had to wear matching oversize silk-screened t-shirts with a family picture, and "THE [LASTNAME] CLAN" emblazoned on it in red, 987-point font. Again, I was 15. Imagine, if you will, the vision of me, in a XL shirt, bloused out of pinstriped jorts, and Doc Martens, with matte raisin-colored lipstick, braces, and an expression like a hobo just shat on my shoes. RESPLENDENT.The only good picture of me is with an elderly man and Jafar, side by side.

Age 17: As I've mentioned in the past, I went to a very religious private all-girls high school. Somehow, we convinced them to allow us to go to Disney World for our senior trip. What they lacked in a bare collarbone/elbow/knee tolerance policy, they made up for in trip choice-related laxity. The only good picture of me is directly after I was felt up by the fat monkey from the Jungle Book. Do you see my arm positioning? PROTECTING MY BIDNESS. My modestly-attired high school self was scandalized!

Age 21: This was a time of my life punctuated by numerous good decisions, chief among them -- at least during my trip to Disney World -- getting my face painted like a toddler and purchasing a beaded, sparkly crown and prancing around like a fancy lady-slash-idiot.

Age 31: AIEEE! This is the second time we are taking the kids on a plane trip, and the last time was over two years ago. So, this could be a breeze, or I could want to off myself mid-flight. O, THE EXCITING MYSTERY OF IT ALL! And so, I ask you: what are your tried-and-true flight distractions for young kids (a 5 y.o. and a 3 y.o., to be specific), aside from the obvious (DVD player, snacks, tranq darts)?

Also, we are so thrilled about taking the kids to the park, and have plans about what we THINK would be good, in terms of schedules/attractions/rides, but --again -- what do you know that I don't? If you've gone to Disney World (and/or any similar gigantor park) Were there any things that were a huge hit (or a disastrous horrorshow) with your young kids? Do I bring a stroller for my five-year-old? WILL I GET PTSD FROM DONALD DUCK'S BEAK? Lay your knowledge on me!

Y Winner!

And the winner of the Y Me! giveaway is...

#4, Beverley! Congratulations, Beverley! Please email me (metaliablog [AT] gmail [DOT] com), and the print will be on its way.

2011: The Recap

Every year, Sundry does this great year-end wrap-up post, and invites everyone to play along. And so I shall!


1. What did you do in 2011 that you’d never done before?
Bought a house, got a job I'd been dying to get, and saw a nude man doing jumping jacks down Wall Street.


2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?


I'm not really much for resolutions; I don't think I'm ABOVE them, or anything, it's just not my thing. My overall philosophy is "Be positive, work hard, be a good mom, wife and friend, and generally don't be an asshole." I'm sure there's room for improvement in all areas, but that's pretty much what I guide my life by, and I think I did okay this past year.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

My cousin, and a bunch of friends.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

NO JINX NO JINX LA LA LA LA LA

5. What countries did you visit?
 None, but I did get to visit LA (albeit briefly) and Seattle (ditto), two places I've never been before.

6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?
 I can't think of a thing. Wait, perhaps finally getting our act together in the new place, and getting window treatments that do not consist entirely of old fancy shower curtains. (OH YOU THINK I AM JOKING.)

7. What dates from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
 The day we moved, the day I got the job, and the day I realized my son could really and truly read.
.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

 Going for (and getting) the aforementioned job.

9. What was your biggest failure?
 Not keeping in touch with friends enough.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Well, aside from my brush with Vitamin D deficiency, J would tell you that no, I have not. But he apparently doesn't understand how FREQUENT TOE STUBBINGS can be exceedingly painful, and how I basically need a telethon in my honor and NO I WILL NOT JUST WEAR SLIPPERS COME ON



11. What was the best thing you bought?
House. Purple suede heels. Perfect trenchcoat. Kindle Fire. (The last one was a gift from J, but let's just include it here.) Nars Flamenco, the perfect red lipstick, at last. (Thanks again from the recommendation, Sarah.)

12. Where did most of your money go?
 Mortgage, school/camp, and J.Crew.


13. What did you get really excited about?
Making the new house into our home, so Luther Vandross would stop singing that song on my front lawn, all guilty-making, at least in my head. Some great concerts. The laundry chute IN said house. 

14. What song will always remind you of 2011?

"All At Once" by The Airborne Toxic Event. Apparently they've been around forever? But I only heard them for the first time this year? And fell hopelessly in love? And listened to this song (and the rest of their catalog) approximately 8,734 times? And also it's the best?

Also, "We Are Young" by Fun. I only heard it for the first time about a week or so ago, and so it's a late entry in this category, but I defy you not to listen to it on repeat.

15. Compared to this time last year, are you:

– happier or sadder? Happier; I felt like a lot was up in the air, where-we-gonna-live-wise, and it was stressing me out. I feel settled, and it's a relief.
– thinner or fatter? The same, I think.
– richer or poorer? Richer, though I'm not buying a top hat and monocle anytime soon. 


16. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Spent more time with friends, read more (hola, Kindle Fire), written more here, and worked out some semblance of an actual fitness routine.

17. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Second-guessing myself.

18. How did you spend Christmas?
 We celebrate Chanukah, and spent it with our extended families, and of course, our own little family.

A highlight was telling the kids this:

19. What was your favorite TV program?
Friday Night Lights. The League. It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia.

20. What were your favorite books of the year?
The Dovekeepers. Cutting for Stone. THE IMPERFECTIONISTS OMG LOVE. Blueprints for Building Better Girls. Little Bee.

21. What was your favorite music from this year?

The Airborne Toxic Event, FO SHO.

22. What were your favorite films of the year?
Another Earth, Rise of the Planet of the Apes, Bridesmaids, The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo


23. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
 It was low-key, and at home, and my husband gave me this.

24. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
I loved this year, honestly--so many huge changes, for the good.


25. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011?
 Business casual meets Audrey Hepburn and also Serena van der Woodsen.

26. What kept you sane?
 Friends, near and far, my husband and kids, and good music.


27. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011.

 The people who are tough (yet fair) with you are the people who teach you more.

To st
llow things, and not to be afraid to apologize.

That I have no idea what I'm doing as a parent, but my kids know they're cherished, we have fun, and so  I'm okay with this.

To not be afraid to just ask the question. The worst that can happen is that I'll hear "no."



 Happy New Year!

Y Me! (Wherein I write a post with all my sentences in alphabetical order.)

As you may know, Secret Agent Josephine recently published three children's books, and is currently "out" on her virtual book tour. Brenda is someone I've known and adored ever since I began blogging eons ago, and so when she asked me if I'd be a stop on the book tour, I said YES YES YES.  

Clearly, she is talented; I love her and her work, and am thrilled to be a part of it.  

Do you, as I do, have young children in your life? Even my older kid was enthralled by these books, but my preschooler was utterly transfixed, particularly with the ABC's one. 

For just $2.99, you can download any of the electronic titles to your Kindle, iPad or Nook. Gorgeous colors and inventive illustrations pop off the screen! (Her absolute favorite was the letter "U for  Underpants" page, as you can see, above.) In London, April's a Spring month. Just so you know, the books are all available in hardcover, as well. Keep track of SAJ’s Stealthy Book Tour here. (there are clues to collect along the tour!)

Lovely as all of this is, there's ALSO something in it for you. Ms. Secret Agent Josephine is offering an 8x10 print of "my" letter, the letter Y, from the ABC book, to give away here on this blog, hence the alphabetical theme I've seen fit to impose upon myself here, as I love a challenge. No crazy rules, or anything, just tell me your favorite "Y" word in the comments. One winner will be chosen after comments close a week from today, Monday, December 26, 2011, at 11:59 EST. Piece of cake, right? Quick and easy! Rest assured, the print is awesome:

Sounds fun, right?  

• To recap, here are some quick links to help you find the books: 

iPad/iPhone: ABCs, Colors, and Numbers.
Kindle: ABCs, Colors, and Numbers.
Nook: ABCs, Colors, and Numbers.
Paperback: ABCs, Colors, Numbers.

•  Until XXXX, you can enter to with the print. 

•  Visit Secret Agent Josephine’s blog or Facebook to follow the tour!

What are you waiting for? Xenon to change its form of matter from a heavy, colorless and odorless gas found in very small quantities in the Earth’s atmosphere, or something? (I AM SORRY, X is hard.) You, sir or ma'am, are NOT. Zip on over and check out SAJ's books, and leave a comment below by Monday the 26th to win a Y print of your very own.

Good luck!!

The Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 1 Rap

Bella Swan representin’ up in 360!

(Nooooo, I didn’t have to Google search that area code!)

Edward’s gonna marry me- we ‘bout to have some fun.

Too bad my ring looks like it’s from Forever 21.

I’m only 18, but I make such good decisions.

Here I come, all dressed in white, I’m truly a vision.

I don’t need no college, yo, I’mma be his wife.

I’ll get my education in the school OF LIFE.

By “life,” I mean “death,” cuz a vampire I’ll be.

Soon after the wedding of my boo Edward, and me.

But hush, now; hush! It’s on the DL, son.

Keep it like a secret up in Area 51.

Jacob is enraged at this – quelle surprise.

He’s all were-pissed and fursplodes, running off into the trees.

I’m focused on my wedding night, not that son of a gun.

I got 99 problems, but that wolf ain’t one.

We fly to South America, to our own private isle!

I’m Mrs. Edward Cullen, but I’m full of nervous bile.

Like the Starship Enterprise, steered by Captain Picard,

We on a big-time mission:  It’s to cash in my V-Card.

Without delving into detail, I’m no longer a virgin.

The crashing waves! The ocean breeze! Right there, among the sturgeon.

The bed, it breaks; the feathers fly, the candles flicker so.

Is…this a Twilight movie, or a Meat Loaf video?

Somehow, I’m pregnant by a vampire, which seems so insane.

It’s just as bad as Superman knocking up Lois Lane.

In my defense, he is mad old, and already sorta…killed.

Who’da thought I ever woulda needed Tha Pill?

The wolfpack then finds out the news, and takes it all quite well.

Just kidding! They freak out and vow to send us to hell.

They have some…psychic werewolf fight, ‘bout how and if they’ll strike.

Not unlike a Nevernude, it’s just what it sounds like.

I’m pregnant with a demon spawn, it’s taking my lifeforce.

But I’m full of blissful martyrdom, I ain’t got no remorse!

Since I’m feeling so pale an’ sickly, I drink a blood smoothie.

And like the 59^th Street Bridge song, I am feelin’ groovy.

Hark! My back is broken, but not so much my water.

All the same, the baby’s coming, and I’m ‘bout to be slaughtered.

Blood! Bitey c-section! And also, there’s a baby.

It’s vampire! It’s human! I’m dead! Kind of! Maybe!

Edward vampire-bites me, so as to bring me back.

And let’s be honest: ‘cuz I’m a delicious ladysnack.

The venom courses through my veins; it’s ever so bizarre!

And boom—my eyes pop open, like that scene in Avatar.

We’ll be back again soon for Part 2 of Breaking Dawn;

To fight off some Volturi, and make their asses gone.

So much is uncertain, on one thing we can agree.

 “Renesme” truly is a name of timeless cool beauty .

Recently, I...

Celebrated our eighth anniversary:

Contemplated bangs. Again. Poorly.

 Met many people, including Big Jumper, the self-named unsung hero of the first Thanksgiving:

...his sister, Mademoiselle Butterfly:

...and LaRaconteuse:

Ate your soul:

Visited J's office (decidedly the winner of the unofficial Parent-With-the-Coolest-Office Contest I decided to run, just now, between the two of us.)...

And saw the city through their eyes.

Commenced working on my masterpiece, The Twilight: Breaking Dawn rap. It's...it's a work in progress.

And you?